We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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