i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I puked a lego.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
