I want to have your abortion
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
