so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
