cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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