When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
