Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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