two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
