The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
