i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
