someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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