I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
