I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
