i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
