dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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