I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
