Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
