you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
