I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
