I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
