Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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