Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
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Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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