I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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