Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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