Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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