if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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