Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
