She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
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