It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
