I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
