what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
