Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can text with my tongue
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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