I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
