I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Watching her eat just hurts me
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
