the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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