I haven't been this sober since birth.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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