Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
