Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
