hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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