I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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