Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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