I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
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