Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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