Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
