My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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