I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
