I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Oh god it's open bar.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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