and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
