Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
