I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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