I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
