I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
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Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
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We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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