It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
