Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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