My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
