Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
