Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
