Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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