Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
