We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
