you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
