hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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