i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
