i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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