If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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