I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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